Help Wanted (Kremlin)

Greetings, comrades. I will be honest, it not easy for me to write this. You may be surprised, but I have difficult time admitting I need help. As father of nation, I must always be strong, so that country feel secure. I cannot show fear or weakness. I am like hunter meeting bear. I cannot show bear I am afraid, or it kill me. But I am smarter than bear. I first go to East Germany and lull bear into false sense of security, then I come back when bear hibernating and knock it out with tranquilizers and then make it dance on barrel.

But still, it is hard. As father of nation, I must solve all problems, know all things. If sewer pipe bust in Vladivostok, I take wrench and go fix. If space station leaking oxygen, I do how-to youtube video so they can close hole and make new oxygen with miniature succulents. Or else I get in rocket and go and do repair myself: I plug hole with my spit and suck up all CO2 with single breath. When I breathe out it pure oxygen good for fifty rotations.

When baker make bread, I there to knead dough. When they want to make new movie, I write, direct, star, produce. If you sick, you come to clinic -- I there from 1 to 3 PM on Tuesdays and Thursdays -- I give you prescription or I cut out bad part. Sometime it seems there just not enough hours in the day. Thats why I decide to look for assistant. Job responsibilities include inspect Kremlin guards and do musical performance every other Friday. I must save voice for G20 meeting and state address. Also, you will be responsible for take care of Kyrgyzstan. Person must be organized, self-starter, with excellent communication skills. Intelligence agency experience plus. Offering competitive compensation and free training. Send resume to vova@kremlin.ru. Looking forward to hear from you.

- Vova